The girl code is an unwritten, universally accepted, set of rules and ethics that exist between a girl and her closest friends. It dictates the do’s and don’t’s of female friendships and they have the power to break even the best of friends.
For instance, one of its fundamental principles is the general consensus that you should never, under any circumstances, flirt or (heaven forbid) date a friend’s ex-partner or current love interest. This rule extends to anything unrequited, unless you have received their explicit blessing and even then, it’s risky….
Although most ‘girl code’ rules seem to be about staying CLEAR of your friends love interests, some girls argue for other rules including; sticking up for girls and striving to lift up women instead of tearing them down. Translation, having common decency.
Not all women agree on what makes up the girl code, which tends to be the reason for tension in female friendships. I took it upon myself to do some research.
My first question was whether these rules had a statute of limitation? Where in this unrecorded legislation does it mention whether or not the tie can break and the person in question is metaphorically ‘set free’? Are ex-partners or love interests held by an unbreakable leash? Or can your best friend date your year seven boyfriend?
I found that the statute of limitation works in conjunction with the seriousness level of the relationship in question. The more serious the relationship, the longer it is until a friend can ‘go there’. For example, ex-husbands/wives are a no go for life, but luckily for you, your best friends never before kissed, year seven boyfriend Ryan is totally on the cards for you.
This can get a bit muddy though, so communication is key. Your best friend’s unrequited five year long high school crush might be totally off limits forever, and that should be okay. It might ‘unfair’ to you but going after that person might break your friendship and no potential love interest, one night stand, or partner should get in the way of that.
I’ve noticed throughout girl code discourse that there is a general vibe that girl code translates into, do unto others what you would have them do unto you. But I don’t think that attitude serves friendships all that well.
Each of us has different standards in our own relationships. Some don’t care at all if you casually hook-up with their ex or even date them, as long as you never dare like the Instagram post of their primary school crush. Similarly, you might be holding out for a certain number of years to pass before you make a move on a friend’s ex, without realising they never cared in the first place. Or you could make the life changing decision to get with a friend’s ex because they have a new partner now and if that was you, you wouldn’t care, but now you’ve been exiled from the group with nothing but a walk of shame to start, all the way home.
I have spent days searching the World Wide Web trying to find the origin of the ‘girl code’ with no success. All that I could find was the creators of the 2013 MTV television show turned Snapchat Discover program ‘Girl Code’ (Darin Byrne, Paul Ricci and Ryan Ling, if you’re wondering). So, where in God’s name did this ~code~ come from?
Was it some patriarchal ploy to distract women from the rat race of success? Have we been played? I turned to my boyfriend. Turns out there is such thing as equality because the boys have a code too.
I didn’t know much about ‘bro code’. So, I did what any normal person would do and googled it. I scrolled through the first page of websites with URLs like ‘Economic Times’ and ‘Mens XP’ (my eyes were rolling to the back of my head). There was even a website called BroCode.com which details the 80 Articles of Bro Code, as established in 1776??
According to BroCode.com Article 1 is: Bro’s before ho’s.
Like I said, I didn’t know much about bro code, but this I did know. Although this saying has been peppered through the late ninety’s and early 2000’s the phrase was popularised by ‘bro’ icon, Barney Stinson, from How I Met Your Mother. Barney is a caricature of the male psyche and the personification of the male gaze. The poster man(child) of the ‘bro code’, Barney’s attitudes towards his fellow male friends and women alike, make him the point of reference for most ‘bros’.
The phrase ‘bro’s before ho’s’ has obvious sexist implications. Women being labelled ‘ho’s’ for starters and implying that men are not worthy friends if they put women before their ‘bros’. But the implications don’t stop at Article 1 (although you already knew that).
MensXP.com said that the ninth rule of bro code is: “a bro shall never make a bro feel ashamed. Even if he just hooked up with the most hideous girl ever, you’re supposed to make excuses on his behalf. Of course it wasn’t him, it was the alcohol.”
My personal favourite was rule four: “you must do all you can to save your bro from dating an ugly girl. Chances are that he is too drunk to even make out if that person is a girl or guy. If you’re sure he’s sober, then that means you can shrug off all responsibility and try your own luck with hotter women around.”
Ah yes, bro code, sounds amazing.
Although, I have to say I am a little bit jealous of Article 11 from BroCode.com which says: “a Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture.” Girls?? This is why we’re behind; we have been unpacking our own furniture!
To me girl and bro code seem to be a problematic way to validate our emotions. Our friend disappoints us and instead of facing that, we tell them that they broke a universally recognised and accepted code of social conduct that none of us really know anything about.
Whatever happened to just saying, “hey I didn’t appreciate you trying to go after my ex, that hurt me”. Friendship shouldn’t be subjected to the rule of law. It’s fluid and people are human. Communicate to your friends. Tell them your expectations.
These codes place this weird ownership on others. “You can’t pursue that person because they are mine” instead of what we really mean which is “you know how much that person hurt me and your desire to connect to them, hurts my feelings”.
It seems as though these codes are in need of some legislative reform ASAP.
Just a thought.